TORONTO USERS GROUP for Midrange Systems
TUG eSerever magazine January 1996: Vol. 11, No. 3

If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:

Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the direction carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8 oz. can, but now comes in a 16 oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:

At first it came in only a 16 oz. can, but now comes in a 32 oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know". A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.

Windows 3.1 Beer:

The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16 oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:

Comes in a 32 oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Also allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously, too but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Making) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:

A lot of people a cautious about buying it, but those who have claim it's wonderful. The can looks even more like Mac Beer's can, but still tastes like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32 oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep on drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has a lot of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer (Micro-suds Corporation) claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:

Comes in 32 oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

UNIX Beer:

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 48 oz. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open the can, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking UNIX Beer for several years.

AigaDOS Beer:

The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16 oz. can, but now comes in 32 oz. cans, too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV with anyway.

VMS Beer:

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However, the cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

OS/400 Beer:

The only beer on the market that actually comes in 64 oz. cans, although since it is virtually ignored by the Beer Trade Magazines, no one knows or believes this yet. Useful for large parties where guests want quick service. You can drink as many beers as you want simultaneously, but the flavor is very bland when consumed at the bar "on tap". Many drinkers have found ways to improve the taste by pouring it out into DOS Beer and Windows Beer "take out" cans. Be careful though, if you try to take it out in Windows 95 cans - beer explosions have recently ruined a few large parties.

Thanks to Jeanne, Mary, Kevin, Delicia, Duncan, Dan and Bob. T < G