If Operating Systems Were Beers...
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires
you to read the direction carefully before opening the can. Originally
only came in an 8 oz. can, but now comes in a 16 oz. can. However,
the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have
to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a
lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer
At first it came in only a 16 oz. can, but now comes
in a 32 oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light"
beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the
fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can.
If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you
don't need to know". A notice on the side reminds you to
drag your empties to the trash can.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16 oz.
can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already
own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few
of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason,
a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
Comes in a 32 oz. can. Does allow you to drink several
DOS Beers simultaneously. Also allows you to drink Windows 3.1
Beer simultaneously, too but somewhat slower. Advertises that
its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them
up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Making) claims that 9 million six-packs have
Windows 95 Beer:
A lot of people a cautious about buying it, but those
who have claim it's wonderful. The can looks even more like Mac
Beer's can, but still tastes like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in
32 oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz.
of beer in them. Most people will probably keep on drinking Windows
3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they
like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print,
has a lot of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even
though the manufacturer (Micro-suds Corporation) claims that this
is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32 oz. cans, but you can only buy it by
the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy
bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's,
but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows
95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer,
and suggested only for use in bars.
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging
from 8 oz. to 48 oz. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand
loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands
taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when
you try to open the can, so you have to have your own can opener
around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete
set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking UNIX Beer
for several years.
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe
has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer
will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because
the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX
Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group.
It originally came in a 16 oz. can, but now comes in 32 oz. cans,
too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy
and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years,
so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is
only meant for watching TV with anyway.
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping
the top and sipping. However, the cans have been known on occasion
to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk
in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer
for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and
referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the
FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk
Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually
The only beer on the market that actually comes in
64 oz. cans, although since it is virtually ignored by the Beer
Trade Magazines, no one knows or believes this yet. Useful for
large parties where guests want quick service. You can drink as
many beers as you want simultaneously, but the flavor is very
bland when consumed at the bar "on tap". Many drinkers
have found ways to improve the taste by pouring it out into DOS
Beer and Windows Beer "take out" cans. Be careful though,
if you try to take it out in Windows 95 cans - beer explosions
have recently ruined a few large parties.
Thanks to Jeanne, Mary, Kevin, Delicia, Duncan,
Dan and Bob.